Apologies for the slightly clich├ęd blog topic today. Y’see, this is my first blog of the year following two straight months of babysitting my partner’s family who have been visiting from the UK. And two months of best behaviour and living cheek-by-jowl with the in-laws is certainly enough to give me a frustratingly dry nib…

As my mum always said, and perhaps a trait common to all salespeople, I hate being wrong. So here’s my predictable predictions for the world of NZ recruitment in 2020. Be sure to hold me to account should none of these horses come in:

1) An Australian recruitment firm will either launch here or purchase an existing business, and then find it harder than anticipated. Arriving like Captain Cook in MJ Bale, they’ll end up looking like Robinson Crusoe in AS Colour within 8 months.

2) Countless recruiters will “do their own thing”. Fed up with The Firm taking two thirds of their billings, enterprising recruiters will take the plunge, build a wordpress site, and download Xero. They’ll tell us that they’ll be needing our services soon enough, but most likely still be sitting alone in their underpants come November.

3) A married (male) recruitment leader will consensually penetrate a younger female employee. Small scandal will follow, only to be forgotten about a month later when the business reports a strong quarter. And before you say I’m being sexist, I’m not. There just aren’t enough women in leadership, and those that are tend to be more sensible than their male counterparts. It’s the men who can’t keep the Colonel in the barracks. So be warned, if you’re a nubile young woman with a tiny crush on your boss, keep your hand on your ha’penny at Friday drinks.

4) A government department will hire a fraudster and will weasel out of any culpability by blaming a recruitment firm. I sometimes think the only reason government agencies use recruitment firms is for this very purpose. Some poor 22 year old recruiter will take an unknowingly fake reference or not “sight” a passport, and some crappy overpaid government department will hang them out to dry in the national media.

5) There’ll be some fisticuffs at either the SARAs or the RCSA awards. Probably both. My favourite of all time has to be the 2012 SARA rumble involving a pissed and swingin’ IT recruitment weirdo and a nimble footed Ironman SEEK employee. Good times. Last year we saw the Construction handbags-at-dawn at the RCSA awards. This year, I might have pop at someone myself if anyone’s keen?

6) On the subject of the SARAs, at least 3 of the category winners this year will leave us scratching our collective heads. From the biggest recruitment firm in the world winning best specialist, to the perpetually bankrupt (financially and morally) winning best candidate care, the SARAs always throw up plenty of surprises. Sadly not so surprising that I’ll ever win anything. Maybe the RCSA will make me a Fellow…

7) …of course they won’t, as prediction number 7 is that another year will pass without most of us having the faintest clue what the RCSA is actually for or what it actually does. Apparently they’re good for me, but so are enemas and I’m doing fine without them thank-you-very-much.

8) Recruiters will have their “record quarter” every quarter. In the same way that us English are conditioned to say “good thanks, how are you?” no matter how dire our current situation is, a recruiter is contractually bound to tell other recruiters that they have just had a “record quarter”. Like washing up liquid that is constantly “new and improved”, we have no idea when or where this will end.

9) A global recruitment firm will try and become “cool”. Like your dad when your mates are round asking about the new M People album, at least one global firm will hire a new “zany” leader who will try add some coolness to the office. He or she will say things like “that was the ……. of old. Look at us now” whilst pointing to a Big Mouth Billy Bass hanging above the supply chain recruiters desk. This will last about 6 months until prediction 3 happens and the boss is sent back to Australia to repair his marriage.

10) Sanctimonious half-wits will continue to comment on satirical blogs like this in a futile attempt to grab some holier-than-thou moral high ground. The rest of us will groan and think ourselves lucky that we’re not sat next to you. And if you are sat next to them, flick us your CV and you could be enjoying a “zany” environment with a lecherous boss in 2020.

That’s all from me today. Let’s see how well I’ve done come 2021.

^SW

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