LinkedIn isn’t what it once was. As a man approaching his 40th birthday, I’m allowed to write stuff like that. It used to be a place where you could see where people were working, drop ’em a message, read the occasional interesting article, and share a hastily-written job ad. These days, it’s all inane polls, pre and post gender transition photos, and parents banging on about how regionally successful their little brat is at some minority sport. I don’t blame these posters however, and they will not be on the receiving end of my poisonous pen today. They have simply sat through the 2 hour webinar and been taught how to improve their “reach” on LinkedIn. In this instance, I will “hate the game, not the player.” Instead, the people who really get my goat are those who, in search for a constant stream of content, resort to making up barefaced lies in an attempt to get “likes” and increase “engagement”. Thankfully, there are so many of these people, that their lies are increasingly easy to spot. Here’s the ones that keep me a’scrollin'”:

Any post that starts with “Overheard in a Sydney Coffee shop”. I’ve been frequenting coffee shops for 20 years, and have heard fuck-all of interest. Admittedly, I’m probably enjoying the sound of my own voice too much, but still, I’ve uncovered zero nuggets of recruitment gold. I’ve even frequented cafes in Sydney, but still…zilch. According to some posters, all you need to do to get the latest recruitment gossip (or inspiration for a post with excessive spacing) is to buy a coffee.

Any post which starts with “So far this week I’ve….” and is typically followed by “made 36 offers (all accepted), taken 88 reference checks (all superb), picked up 12,000 new jobs, stretched the very fabric of time and been on an infinite number of client meetings, and it’s only Wednesday lunchtime”. Yes, yes, we know you’re busy and hugely successful and great and all that jazz. Just write your post and go.

Anything that happens on the way to an interview. “I was late because I performed chest compressions on a homeless man in cardiac arrest. Got to the interview, and the homeless man WAS THE CEO. And then everyone clapped”. Just no. Nothing interesting happens on the way to interviews. We mostly get stuck in traffic, and that is inherently boring.

Anyone boasting about the immigrant they hired and the high-flying job they now do. It’s one thing being sad enough to seek affirmation from strangers about an act you did 15 years ago. It’s another level to lie about an act to get idolised by a bunch of other people who are probably making up their own lies. Just because your wife won’t fellate you, doesn’t mean we should.

Non-verbatim feedback from placed candidates who wish to remain anonymous. I understand the need to share testimonials in today’s world. People won’t buy a pack of tissues without checking out a dairy’s Google reviews. However, so much on LinkedIn is annoymous and paraphrased. “I was talking to a recently placed candidate last night and it was so humbling when they said I was the best recruiter they’ve ever worked with, my hair has the appearance of spun-silk, my farts smell of spring, and they’re going to rename their 14 year old daughter after me. #blessed to do what I do”.

“What a CEO said to me about recruitment (but not you, but I’ll tell you what they said)”. Anyone who claims to have the inside dirt should be approached with caution. This posturing clickbait is as effective as it is common. Firstly, the poster postures by highlighting that they’re chummy with the CEO, and not the Facilities Manager and PA who the rest of us deal with, and then they clickbait us with the promise that we’ll learn an insider secret. Personally, I’m not convinced any of it ever happened. But this is LinkedIn, so who cares right?

Shit your precocious kid said. This is typically around issues of diversity. “My kid gets it, why can’t we?” they write after their 3 year old leads a Kindy campaign to remove gendered pronouns from Thomas the fucking Tank Engine. Alledgedly.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today, I’ve got meeting with Jeff Bezos to attend, and no doubt I’ll have to rescue a puppy from a storm drain on the way. Please feel free to comment with your own lies below.

^SW

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